Catching Up.

Every time I think that I'm going to be able to blog more regularly, I fail again and the gap between my posts just keeps widening!
With the HFL auction over (very successful!) and my job with the school district winding down, I have found myself with more time to catch up on the things I've so easily neglected over the last few weeks. Laundry, organizing, deep cleaning. Did I mention laundry? I sure hate laundry.
It feels good to have nothing on my calendar today. Just a day to rest and get caught up. I might shower. I might not. I will probably eat cereal for lunch. Praying I don't waste my time like I'm all to fond of doing.
J had his big CF annual appointment on Monday. Things went so well. His doctor was just raving over his growth, his health, and how well he's done. She roped me into becoming a Parent2Parent volunteer at the clinic, which I happily accepted. It's something I've been eager to take on so that I can walk alongside newly diagnosed families the way we had someone do with us. I'm looking forward to it.
His appointment went so well, I was feeling all happy-go-lucky Monday night. You know, the "CF doesn't have anything on us!" type of feeling. Yes, we've had a few minor bumps, but they have been small and easy to handle. So, imagine my shock when the nurse called early Tuesday morning saying that they found some "markings" on his chest x-ray. My heart fell to my toes. This is the first confirmed lung issue we've had with J. He had Roseola last week and they think this is left-over from that. So, we started an antibiotic and will trudge back to Primary's in a few weeks for a repeat x-ray. They seem fairly unfazed by this new development and said they're fairly certain the antibiotics will clear out those markings. But, as I know all too well, the world of CF is just a little too unknown.
I would be lying if I said I took this news in stride. I'm trying to stay positive, because well, that's just what I do. Sometimes foolishly positive. I'm also trying to trust God. I have felt that old, familiar feeling creep back in over the past 24 hours. The feeling of sadness, doubt, and a little bit of panic. I know many of you reading this have been through or are currently going through things harder than this to deal with. I'm hoping that instead of comparing our circumstances, you can trust in a God who meets us right where we're at. In the middle of joy, grief, doubt and uncertainty. My head knows a lot about Him and keeps telling my heart to trust. That regardless of our lot in this life, He is still good and He will still use every minute for His glory. My heart has a bad memory. I want to say 'He will provide' but He may not. And I need to be okay with that. I want to say 'He will heal Jason' but He may not. And I need to be okay with that too. I trust and know that He is big enough. To provide, to heal, and to choose what's best. So I go with that.

I think the reason this is hitting me a little harder than normal is because of a funeral I attended on Saturday. I wanted to say a "life too short", but God is in control and this didn't happen apart from His sovereignty. A good friend of mine had a best friend who had CF. She was a beautiful girl, and was only 26. She succumbed to lung rejection after living almost a year with her new lungs. I was glad I went to the funeral. A personality like mine needs to be sobered every now and then. I was glad to go and honor a life that was lived so well. Her dad spoke, which was very emotional, and he talked briefly about her CF. He said it is easy to ask God why He would give someone like her CF. Someone who loved others, who lived fully, and loved fully. But, then he said something that will stick with me for awhile. CF made her that way. CF made her love others, live fully, and love fully. It formed her into who she was and God used it in her life to produce so much fruit. I sat and thought about what characteristics I want Jason to have. Determination, patience, love, joy, peace. Yes, most of these are fruits of the Spirit that God will form in him as he grows and knows Him more. But, how interesting that God will use disease and sickness to refine us and put His fruits to work.
I love that He exchanges mourning with dancing. And sorrow with joy. Only He could do that.
Finally, as a fitting end to this extremely melancholy post, I'm posting a verse that was read at her funeral by the pastor officiating it.


"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”


5He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” ~Revelation 21:3-5