Days 4 and 5

..::Day Four and Five::.. September 29 and 30

Oops!
Got a day behind... it's amazing how a week can blur together even when all you're really doing is breastfeeding and trying to keep your house clean. :) Let's throw in a few extra loads of laundry, changing diapers, and working on HFL's auction dessert and fundraiser and I guess I can easily see how this week has gotten a bit blurry.

To make up for both days, I'm posting a video that a friend of mine poster on her blog yesterday. I hadn't seen it before and it seemed to be fitting for this time of life I'm in and the time of life so many of my friends are in as well. I especially like "Imperfect is the new perfect." Anyway, hope you like this video, and Happy Official 1 month J!

3/31

..::Day Three::.. September 28

Well, today was a day that I really had to force myself to look for beauty. Besides the day that Baby J was diagnosed with CF, today was the most overwhelming. All I can say is thank you Lord for medical insurance. We had our first appointment at the clinic today, and because of a communication breakdown with our insurance company, we spent 2 hours panicking about future prescription costs. Luckily, it was all a misunderstanding and things are better than we thought. Matt says he won't believe it until he sees it (I can't blame him), but after meeting with the insurance guy today, I feel good believing it even if I haven't seen it yet. All of that stressing has left me feeling even more exhausted than before and at the verge of tears at every turn! Ahhh... I'm sure my postpartum hormonal imbalances are really helping all this too! What I'd really like to do is sleep all day tomorrow. :) Wish it could happen!

Now, this picture is going to seem funny...and by funny, I mean awkwardly lame. But I've been spending much more time at this spot than I used to. Just today, the sun was streaming through the windows and I thought, "Wow, that looks really pretty." So, it is my third picture of beauty. It's the little things, right? Hope you have a moment like that in your day today where you just stop and look at something as plain as the kitchen sink and think it's beautiful. :)

2/31

..::Day Two::.. September 27

Need I say more? :) Happy 1 month birthday Baby J!

31 Days: Day One

I happened by a random blog a few weeks ago and the author had taken on a 31 day challenge. She was documenting 31 days of beauty. Now, I know this sounds a little cheesy, but it was something from her day that caught her eye or made her smile. One was a Mojito (those can make me smile!), another was a cute picture of her niece. Anyway, I know I could use a little looking out for the silver lining, so I'm going to start today! And, each day for the next 31 days I'll be posting something beautiful! And, if you're reading this, I'm challenging you to do it too!

..:: Day One::.. September 26

Today Matt and I took a drive through one of our favorite parts of Utah: the Alpine Loop. Fall is the best time of year for this drive and it did not disappoint! Although, I think we may have been a little too early, many trees hadn't turned yet. Also, we decided to head east towards Heber instead of our usual west towards Sundance/Provo Canyon, which was a bad idea. I missed the beauty of Sundance. But, it was a great day to get out as a family and feel normal! We stopped at a few places to take pictures, calm the crying baby in the backseat, and just sit with the windows down. Hope you enjoy the pictures!

This one's for you, Allison!

Things I've Learned...

This has probably been the most trying and challenging 2 weeks of my life!

Not only is adjusting to life with a newborn a bit of a challenge, add to that the overwhelming news that your sweet newborn has Cystic Fibrosis. Not knowing entirely what this means, it's been a bit more than I feel I can bear. I know that God never gives us more than we can handle with His help, never. But, that doesn't mean that any of this has been easy by any means. I have felt His strength when I am open to it. The problem is, the past few days, I've been trying to do things on my own strength... guess how that's working out for me? When we first found out last Friday and were then in the hospital for another 4 days, it was easy to cling to God because that's all I could do to get through. He helped me see the positive and be optimistic. But when I get home and I'm on my own, I try to take things over on my own and I easily start to feel sorry for myself and want to just crawl in the corner.

A few of the things God is teaching me through this:

1. I am proud. I have a hard time asking for help. I've always known this about myself but have never felt like it was a problem. Now I see that my desire to be self-sufficient shows that my heart is not in the right place.

2. I've found my worth in the wrong things. Once again, I've always known this about myself, but haven't had to really face it or change anything about myself because of it. I've found my worth in my friendships, schedule, and all the things I can do with my time. I used to thrive on a busy, full schedule and people would always say they couldn't believe how much I did. I secretly always liked the thought that I was the one who was always "on the go" and thought for sure that I wouldn't let being a mom get in the way of that.

Just this morning I realized that I'm in a new phase, a new chapter that needs to look different than the way life used to look. I shouldn't be grieving the end of the last phase, but celebrating the new phase that God has led me to. I now am a wife and a mom. Yes, I'll still be able to continue my work with Hungry for Life, but being a mom has to come first, and part of my being a mom is making sure that J has the best care possible. Amazing to think that it's not all about me!?

3. I have a ways to go in how selfish I am! When we got the news that J has CF, we were also told that he needs to stay away from crowds and other kids through RSV season (end of April). Of course, the first thing I thought of was ME. How this was going to affect ME and feeling sorry for myself. When I heard about his treatments at first, my first thoughts were "Okay, let's get used to this new normal, let's make sure that J gets what he needs!" Those thoughts have now turned to, "Why me? Why do I have to feed him enzymes before he eats!? Why do I have to spend a half an hour doing chest compressions? Why do I have to think about a future full of hospital stays and visits!?" Wow, once again, wake up call that it's not all about me.

Now, I'm sure that all of this is compounded by a lack of sleep. I do not do well on little sleep and ever since our hospital stay, I've felt like I can't catch up. But today, I went for a long walk around the neighborhood with J and got some great vitamin D. Feeling better already.

Yes, we want to be a normal family and we want to treat J like any other child. But, right now, that's just going to look different for us.. and I'm trying to be okay with that. 

On the bright side, God has shown me some wonderful things:

1. This was no surprise to Him. He knows the beginning from the end and knows us so intimately, even sweet baby J. I can trust that He will take care of him even better than I can. I can also trust that He's going to give us the means and resources to take care of J the way we need to.

2. We have a great support community. If I told you how many e-mails, care packages, letters, cards, text messages, facebook posts, and phone calls we've gotten in the past 2 weeks, you wouldn't believe me. I feel so supported and loved and cared for. So, if you're reading this and you're one of the members of our wonderful support community, whether near or far, thank you so much. I wish I could send a personal text or e-mail to everyone who has reached out to us, but there is just not enough time in the day. I hope to eventually get to thank each of you individually.

3. And last but not least, this all has made me love Matt even more. I didn't think that was possible at all, especially after seeing him as a dad. But through all this, we have vowed to not let it become something that tears us apart, but rather helps us grow together even more and it has done that. We have been able to encourage each other, pray together, cry together, make each other laugh (because what else can you do!?), and just spend some great quality time together with our new little one. 

Okay so if you've gotten to the end of this, I either want to congratulate you or apologize to you. :) I just realized that most of this rambling would probably have been better to write in my own personal journal and not air out for everyone to read, but it's good to get it off my chest and feel like others can finally have a glimpse into my real heart!

I'm going to leave you with 3 verses that I keep coming back to over and over. I am reminded of a passage in the book Crazy Love where it talks about how we are commanded to trust God, commanded to praise God, and when we stress it shows a lack of both of those things on our part. So, I am choosing to trust and choosing to praise regardless of what is going on, and in case you've wondered, I'm still so in love with this little man! He's so perfect!!

Isaiah 40:28-29 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Philippians 4:4-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Ahhh...

Baby is here. What an amazing experience! I'd always heard how wonderful being a mom could be, but I seriously can't believe it. Baby J was born on Monday at 9:16 in the morning. He weighed only 5 lbs. 11 oz! We couldn't believe it since I was 5 days overdue. Thankfully he is a great eater and is gaining weight already! Sometimes we wonder HOW he's gaining weight with the explosive diapers we've been experiencing (there was a minor poop catastrophe today, everyone survived). We can't believe how much we are enjoying being parents and how we automatically love him more than anything else. Thanks for all the well wishes, visits, and meals, we are so blessed! Here are some great pictures from the past 6 days...