Happy Holidays!

What a beautiful Christmas. This year I tried to head into the holidays with fewer expectations and it made it all so much more enjoyable! Take it day by day and enjoy the journey... what a perfect way to wrap up this year, and a great resolution for 2013!

So many situations this year have brought the following verse to mind, so I'll leave it with you as a reminder of God's faithfulness in sickness, health, happiness, sorrow, broken relationships, betrayal, loyalty, celebration, and mourning. May 2013 be a beautiful year for you and yours, not because of circumstances, but because of an increased dependency on God and a new awareness of His good in our lives!
Let's make much of the time we have!

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
Lamentations 3:21-23

A "few" of my favorite shots from 2012:

       

       

  

               

   

      

   

    

   

In awe

Last weekend, I listened to an NPR program (yes, I'm a talk radio junkie!) on and off while I ran errands. This program was about feeling awe and how people are either hard-wired to be able to be in awe of something or are hard-wired to be cynical or ironic. A lot of the program focused on how in our modern world it is hard to be "in awe" of something because we are so constantly bombarded with images and information; we're almost being deadened to it. They also said that our current generation is skeptical about much of this information or these images, wanting to be sure it's true or that it hasn't been doctored to be more amazing than it really is. I also think we are too distracted to take time to actually pay attention long enough to find any awe.

I'm someone who has always been prone to easily find awe in things around me.  Let's just take the miracle of flight for example... I am still in awe that a 700,000+ pound airplane can fly through the air at the altitude it does. (p.s. that's why I'm terrified of flying). But, really, sunsets, trees, flowers, animals, the ocean (also terrifying), and the human body constantly keep me in a state of awe. Even CF has driven me to awe at times. Awe at the human body and how just one mutation can affect so much... I was talking with Matt's uncle this weekend, who is suffering from liver failure. Even to hear how it affects his entire body is amazing.

Couple that radio program with the second week of advent and the sermon at church this weekend about standing in awe of God and His awesomeness, rejoicing in His goodness, and following His truth... I've been a ball of tears.

I never want to forget how to stand in awe of the Lord. I know that as He reveals more of Himself, that is the response I will likely have... but, I don't want to lose that. About a year ago I'm pretty sure I had lost that ability. I allowed cynical thoughts to take over my mind and closed off my thoughts to the things of the Lord. The more I re-learn about Him, the more I find myself standing in a place of awe just because of who He is. Let's not even get into what He's done, but just for who He is.

As we ring in the Christmas season, one of the most awe-inspiring times of the year, let's not forget to live in awe of the God of the Universe dwelling among men and reckoning us to Him!

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

“For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?” “Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?”

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.

Romans 11:33-36

Battling Resentment

Lately there have been quite a few big things that I've had to say "no" to because my job as a mom and wife just have to come first. Most recently, I had to decide not to go on a Hungry for Life retreat to Canada in January, something I have really been looking forward to. J's schedule is so demanding and he is a tough cookie to take care of right now, so asking Matt to take work off to watch him and asking my mom to be put entirely out of her comfort zone (2 treatments included) just didn't feel right. Worst of all, I felt like it was a lose-lose situation. If I go, I'd feel selfish and guilty for leaving such a large burden behind... but if I don't go, I'll feel resentment towards Jason. This is the third trip I've had to say "no" to for similar reasons. Yesterday I really felt stuck between those two words. Selfishness and resentment. Like those were my only two options. I threw a really awesome pity party, sorry i forgot to send out the invitations! I went to bed begging God to change my heart. It is not fun to feel burdened.
I woke up and looked up the definition for resentment. It means bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. And let's face it, it's not my son treating me unfairly, so my resentment can't rest on his shoulders. He's just as out of control in this situation as I am. But, I realized that if I'm feeling resentful, I'm actually showing ingratitude to God. I'm telling Him my definition of "good" is far better than His. He has used these situations where I've had to say "no" to truly mature me and make me grow up. I have learned that we don't always get what we want (even when we truly believe we deserve it, maybe even moreso in those situations), and sometimes we'll see the fruit of that right away, but sometimes it will take time for that fruit to be revealed. My job as mom has really made me sacrifice some things that I never thought I'd be asked to sacrifice, but in the end it is all working together for my good. So, instead of feeling resentment, here are a few things I'm thankful for:
- Jason's ability to say "mama". It melts my heart.
- Our home and means to feed our family
- The fact that I can stay home to care for J
- Having family so close that they can know J as he grows up
- The mountains and how beautiful they look blanketed with snow
- A closer-than-a-brother group of friends to "do life" with
- Yogurt covered raisins. Just sayin'.

My prayer is that I'll learn to quickly replace feelings of resentment and bitterness with gratitude and joy. Such a process!

Confessions

Recently, a few people have mentioned that they think I have a perfect life. Great house, great marriage, great kid. And that it's great I don't struggle with anxiety or depression anymore. And they wish they could keep their houses clean like mine (I almost took pictures of what my house looks like today in an attempt to combat that last one... almost... that would have been taking it a bit too far). And, don't get me wrong, I am ever thankful for the life I do have. But,it's made me think that maybe I haven't been super honest about the real inner workings of my life and home. I've always liked the photo below and have never wanted to be someone who pretends, so here we go!

via

I give you 5 confessions to prove it:

1. J was up all Sunday night throwing up and the clean-up involved 4 loads of laundry: 2 mattress protectors, 2 fitted sheets, 2 flat sheets, our duvet cover, 5 pillowcases, 1 blanket, 3 sleepers, 1 pair of underwear, 1 pair of pajama pants and 1 shirt. That laundry is not totally done, one of the loads has been through the washer twice because I'm too lazy to switch it to the dryer and (gasp!) fold the laundry in the dryer. Oh, and did I mention my mom came to help with the laundry? So the very little I've done is still undone. But, I'm blogging about it so that goes to show I don't have any free time. ;)

2. I yell at my kid. J is in this I-hit-things-when-I'm-mad and I-know-what-you-want-me-to-do-and-I-have-decided-to-ignore-your-commands phase. So that's fun. And I'm in this my-life-still-doesn't-look-the-way-I-planned-so-I'll-throw-my-own-tantrum phase. So that's equally as fun. It is a recipe for disaster and I've been super convicted lately about the way I relate to my kiddo when he's not doing what I want. See how toddlerhood kind-of circles back around and kicks you in the rear as an adult? Oh yeah, did I mention I'm less than graceful with my husband on a frequent basis? No? Okay, let's not talk about that one. 

3. I spend way too much time mindlessly roaming the internet. I'm thinking of doing a facebook and Pinterest fast to bring that part of me in check but I've been "thinking about that" for about 6 months, so we'll see if that works out. 

4. My clothes don't fit the way I'd like and I know how to change that, but I still eat things like fruit snacks and chocolate cereal. And I still like other things more than exercising. And I'm really good at making excuses like "I have a kid with CF" to get out of feeling like anyone should have any expectations of me. I even purposefully wear "workout" clothes to run errands so that people will think the reason I look so disheveled is because I just got back from the gym. Ha!

5. I don't like to take time to work on things that I think take time. Like taking off last month's July's toe nail polish, finishing painting the trim, or plucking my unruly eyebrows. All those things could be done in one naptime and I could still make dinner and do a load of laundry. But, apparently quantity overwhelms me and I like to think I keep it simple. Don't forget #3.

I love fall!

***Warning. If you live in state that isn't as pretty as Utah in the fall and a post about fall is going to make you feel jealous, you have been warned. You can either get over it and read this post or you can come stay in our guest room and enjoy the fall for yourself!***

Fall is by far my favorite season in this here state. I love the colors changing and the cooler air. Fall is my favorite time to be in the mountains. This year, I took many naptime drives with J in the backseat up through the mountains. My favorite is Guardsman's Pass up through Midway, but I also love the Alpine Loop and Little Cottonwood. I can't get enough of God's creation, and just think, if His creation is this great... how much more magnificent is He!

 

I love fall clothing and pumpkins (patches and recipes), in fact here is one of my favorites that we're having tomorrow: Skinnytaste's Pumpkin Chili. I love soup, crisp mornings, and evening walks in sweatshirts. I don't love that it gets darker sooner and that it's no longer windows-open season, but we can handle that. Oh yes, I also love caramel apples. I kind-of forgot how much I loved them until Matt decided to make a batch this weekend. Yes, every now and then he gets all Martha on me and decides to get creative in the kitchen. We used apples from our backyard and caramels from the store and ate 4 of them in a 2 day window. We gave away 2 to some friends who stopped by, I'm still regretting that decision.

Matt was not so totally amused at my photographic journaling.

 Jason seems to love the fall too, he wants to be outside all the time and loves the leaves (fake or otherwise). He also can't get over how ball-like pumpkins are. Here are a few pics of J man in fall. I bet you can't guess what my favorite little-man shirt is this season? :)

I really really love this one. I think it's going on the wall!

This year and next I am in charge of the centerpieces at our local CF Parent's Night Out events. My first shot was a few weeks ago and the centerpieces were a hit! I bought lanterns at Ikea and filled them with different fall-ish things (candy corn, pumpkins, candles). Unfortunately, I forgot to take pictures, but just take my word for it... they were cute! Anyway, I ended up with tons of leftover fake leaves that we used to decorate and they have just been sitting in a bag. I've sent a few of them off to friends who used to live in Utah and are missing the fall, but there are still plenty left over. So, I decided to go for it and put a few fall decorations up. Don't hold your breath, but I'm thinking about starting a small (did you hear that Jess? small) seasonal decorating collection. We'll see. Today J and I walked to the grocery store and on our way home, stopped at the produce stand. They had these adorable little pumpkins for a buck a piece! I couldn't pass them up. And I may be back for more... they're so fun and unique. I wish there was a way to preserve them without them rotting and harboring all sorts of bacteria I'm sure.

Well, there you have it. We are enjoying fall (and a month free from coaching!). We'll be heading to the pumpkin patch soon and are hoping to put together a farmer Halloween outfit for J. What about you? What's your favorite fall tradition?

Visiting dad at work during lunch. 

Do you remember that we have a dog?
Sweet Scout. And, J is starting to love to play with him (namely hide and seek) and stuff balls in his mouth. Scout is quite the good sport and will hold it until J isn't interested anymore.

I think he wasn't sure why I was taking pictures of anything but him...

Short and sweet.

My small group is reading When I Don't Desire God: The Fight for Joy by John Piper. Let's just say this book is full of spiritual solid food, if you get my drift. In last night's video, he said something that I just have to share before I forget it.

"The opposite of joy is not suffering, it is despair in suffering."

Shortest post ever, but pretty chock full of wisdom. Thank you God for developing joy that cannot be shaken.

Beauty from Ashes

During this past year (well, if I'm really honest with myself, during the past 2 years), I've really wrestled with a lot of "truth" that I always knew but didn't let soak into my heart. It's easy to say things are true but then a lot harder to live through them and still believe they're true in your heart. I always thought this was me being weak and wishy-washy, but I'm realizing this is part of growth. You learn something and then have time to put it into practice. We all fail and don't get it right the first time, but "he gives more grace" as James says.

I've been in biblical counseling for 6 months and it has been invaluable. I thought I had a situation that needed to be fixed. I needed to be less anxious. Give me the formula, I'll do it. But, after just two sessions with my friend, I realized I was in this for the long haul. My anxiety wasn't the root of my problem, it was just a symptom of a proud, entitled heart and a weakened faith infrastructure. To "fix" my anxiety would just be a band-aid. I needed surgery and I knew it'd be painful, and it has been.. but just like any life-saving surgery, it has all been for my good.

One of the books we've been going through is Trusting God Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges. Oh goodness, I could write a snippet every day and go on and on. It has broadened my understanding of God's sovereignty, especially in times of suffering and trial. This week's chapter is called "The Wisdom of God" and starts with the scripture 'Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!' (Romans 11:33). I love that we serve a God who can't fully be known. That should lead us to a place of awe and worship. Sometimes it can be frustrating, though. I like to know the 'because' behind every 'why' and this season has been so good for that side of me. I'm going to write out a few pages that really spoke to me, in hopes that they encourage you if you're in a time of suffering or that you can store them up for a coming time!

As we watch tragic events unfolding, or more particularly as we experience adversity ourselves, we often are prone to ask God why. The reason we ask is because we do not see any possible good to us or glory to God that can come from the particular adverse circumstances that have come upon us or our loved ones. But is not the wisdom of God - thus the glory of God - more eminently displayed in bringing good out of calamity than out of blessing?

The wisdom of the chess player is displayed more in winning over a capable opponent than over a novice. The wisdom of the general is displayed more in defeating a superior army than in subduing an inferior one. Even more so, the wisdom of God is displayed when He brings good to us and glory to Himself out of confusion and calamity rather than out of pleasant times.

There is no question that God's people live in a hostile world. We have an enemy, the devil [who] "prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). He wants to sift us like wheat as he did Peter (see Luke 22:31), or make us curse God like he tried to get Job to do. God does not spare us from the ravages of disease, heartache, and disappointment of this sin-cursed world. But God is able to take all of these elements - the bad and the good- and make full use of every one. ...

God's infinite wisdom then is displayed in bringing good out of evil , beauty out of ashes. It is displayed in turning all the forces of evil that rage against His children into good for them. But the good that He brings about is often different than the good we envision.

Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose," is an oft-quoted verse. But we often fail to note that the following verse helps us understand what the "good" of verse 28 is. Verse 29 begins with the word for, indicating that it is a continuation and amplification of the thought of verse 28. It says, "For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." The good that God works for in our lives is conformity to the likeness of His Son. It is not necessarily comfort or happiness but conformity to Christ in ever-increasing measure in this life and in its fullness in eternity.

We see this same thought in Hebrews 12:10, "Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness." To share in God's holiness is an equivalent expression to being conformed to the likeness of Christ. God knows exactly what He intends we become and He knows exactly what circumstances, both good and bad, are necessary to produce that result in our lives. Note the contrast the author of Hebrews draws between the finite, fallible wisdom of human parents and the infinite, infallible wisdom of God. He says, "Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best." As a father, I can readily identify with the phrase "as they thought best". Sometimes in rearing our children we agonized over the proper discipline, both in kind and amount. And even when we thought we knew what was best, there were many times when we erred.

But, the writer says without qualification, God disciplines us for our good. There is no agonizing by God, no hoping He has made the right decision, no wondering what is really best for us. God makes no mistakes. He knows infallibly with infinite wisdom what combination of good and bad circumstances will bring us more and more into sharing His holiness. He never puts too much of the "salt" of adversity into the recipe of our lives. His blending of adversity and blessing is always exactly right for us.

The author of Hebrews readily admits that discipline is painful (see verse 11). But he also assures us it is profitable. It produces "a harvest of righteousness and peace." The purpose of God's discipline is not to punish us but to transform us. He has already meted out punishment for our sins on Jesus at Calvary: "The punishment that brought us peace was upon him" (Isaiah 53:3). But we must be transformed more and more into the likeness of Christ. That is the purpose of discipline.

pages 125-128

I know that was quite the considerable chunk, sorry if it was too long.
I really recommend this book if you are wanting to dig deeper into the sovereignty of God and how His goodness and love interact with His sovereignty. I have really wrestled and questioned all along the way and in no way do I feel like I have it all figured out. I think half the battle is committing to learn and wrestle and grow. Thank you God for your goodness towards us.

Odds and Ends

There have been quite a few little nagging house projects around here that I have definitely been putting off. Remember the baseboard? It may or may not still be laying in the carport, unpainted. But, I'll never tell! We finally moved J into a toddler bed which deserves an entire post on its own, but losing that big beautiful crib from his room has thrown the decorative vibe all off. Yikes, that one has found itself back on the to-do list.

One of the things we can call semi-complete-for-now (sounds pretty definitive, right?) is the family room area. I had been patiently waiting for a deal on our local classifieds website and all seemed lost until I found these babies!

$50 FOR THE SET. I couldn't really believe it. Initially, I had hopes of painting whatever we found white and then the background a fun accent color, but that was when I was sure we'd get shelves that were pretty beat up. These suckers are in mint condition. And, I'm surprised but I kind of like the wood tone with our floors and the adjacent kitchen floors.. I still might paint them or do a fun stencil in the backs and sides or something crazy like that, I'm also thinking about adding trim to the bottom to give them a more built-in feel, but for now I'm pretty pleased that this space finally looks like we actually meant to do all this. What would be your vote?
(Side note, someday I'd love to paint or remove the fireplace metal insert and make it more of a decorative nook instead of a wood-burning fireplace since we don't want to use it with J's respiratory stuff and can't afford a gas insert). I've also seen some fun ideas for above the mantel, like bead-boarding the wall and painting it (then we could build in a gap to hide the wires) or laying some slate stone above it to give it more texture and make it more eye-catching, but I'm getting way ahead of myself.

I had fun collecting all my favorite books from around the house to feature on the shelves. I still haven't found just the right things to fill the jars and the large glass bell jar, but I'm convinced I'll find just the right thing in time, just like these shelves. I read an article awhile ago about decorating your house on a budget and the number one tip was "be patient". Good deals only come to those who wait. So, if you're feeling antsy... instead of running out to Wally world and buying the cheapest thing you can find just so you have something, I'd encourage you to live with the ugly a little while longer and wait for that great deal!

J=2!

**This post is more for me to remember things about J, but since I'm awful at journaling I wanted to keep it on here! You're welcome to read it, I'm just warning you it's a mushy mom post!**

Dear Jason,

You are two and I can't believe it! Time has flown and crawled by. I look back at pictures and long for you to be the size you were, but I am thrilled that you are older and can do more. Your personality keeps us on our toes for sure, but you are a pure joy and love to laugh. We love that about you!

You kind-of hit two with full force. But that's okay. We've had many more tantrums and frustrations for the past few weeks, but I know that it's all part of you growing up. You get very frustrated when you don't get what you want and even more frustrated when you can't communicate it. We are slowly but surely working through each tantrum and learning some new play skills to help you ease your frustration!

 You have a few words! So far, you say "up!" (pretty much all day. You either want to be held, up on a chair, up on a table, put a toy up, etc), you are also saying "eyes", trying your own version of  "uh oh", and "ow" for Scout. You also say "moo", "nap" (for "quack), and "woof woof" when we talk about cows, dogs, and ducks. You are trying new sounds and sound combinations everyday and we are so proud of you! You can do it, little man! You have also started signing and can sign about 30 words now. (Your favorites are "help", "car", "bird", "airplane", "more", "water", "dog", "go", and waving bye to people as they leave (or trash as it goes in the trash can). You are still showing us just how stubborn you are, since you refuse to sign please and thank you. I think somehow you know that those words are polite and you just don't want to be polite. We'll see how that goes. I've been trying to teach you the sign for "I love you" and you try it, but it comes out more like "live long and prosper". Hey, I'll take it!

You love to show off Scout to everyone that comes over. I love that he's like your furry big brother. Watching you try to get him to chase you or to play your own game of peek-a-boo with Scout is so funny. He's not entirely sure what to think about it, but I'm pretty sure you're oblivious to that fact so it works. You love to take pictures with mom and watch them come up on the screen. You also love the playground, playing with shape sorters, balls, and holding cars. You like to drive them, but mostly to hold them. If you have a car or a tractor in your hand, you are complete! You still love getting in your stroller and going for a walk which makes us so happy. Family walks are our favorite time of the day. You will eat anything we put in front of you, and actually like spicy Mexican or Thai food! You have started to chipmunk your food in your cheek which drives us (especially Dad) crazy. But, the dietitian assured us that is a phase you're going through, so we'll just eagerly wait for that one to be over. You still definitely prefer Dad when he's around, and I have learned to be okay with that. :) He loves to play with you and thinks up games that get you to laugh harder than I ever could, so it's fun to watch and hear you play together. You have learned how to delay something you don't want to do. During treatment, you'll point at toys you want to get or you'll sign "water" to get us to stop the nebulizer. It's frustrating but really cute too. You're struggling with sleeping in your crib and we're moving you into a big-boy bed tomorrow. Once you started to try to climb out or pull your body up into the top corner of the crib we decided it was time! We're praying that this is what you need!

Yesterday at clinic, you were a rockstar! You did well when it was time to be weighed and measured and didn't cry at all when Dr. Chatfield listened to your lungs or looked in your ears. You wanted to "talk" to the dietitian and the social worker, which was great. You didn't even cry at their masks when they first came in. It was such a great improvement from our last clinic visit (well, really since your clean-out)! You weigh 25 lbs 12 oz and are 34 inches tall and of course your head is still in the 90th percentile. We are so proud of you for eating so well and growing so well, it is a really big deal!!

Even with all the worries and frustrations that toddlerhood brings, we are loving every minute of it and know that someday we'll look back on pictures from this age and wish we could have bottled a little bit of it up for later. Sweet Jason, a day never goes by that we don't thank God for you. You truly are a gift to us and He is doing mighty things through you already. We eagerly anticipate all He has in store for this next year!