A New Leaf

Christmas was wonderful. I hope you had a great Christmas, focusing on the precious gift God gave us many years ago and basking in His goodness. We spent some serious quality time together as a family of 3 and with my family and my in-laws. Living near both sets of families is wonderful, but can be exhausting during the holidays. We fully embraced family time together, pictures to come someday. This whole living-with-a-borrowed-hard-drive thing has me waiting to work on pictures until I have a permanent solution.

I've spent the morning getting our end-of-year giving all set. Am I the only one who waits until the last day of the year to make sure that we've given what we want and need to? I've also been catching up on my favorite blogs and I'm just so in awe of how different life is for different people. But, that's an entry for another time.
I get reminiscent every year around this time like everyone else. We're all basking in the glory of Christmas, cleaning house, and making promises to be "better" and not repeat the follies of the previous year. At our house, we've hit the high of Christmas and Matt's still on break and we're enjoying time together, but January is looming. January in Utah gets ugly.
It's the thick of our little family's CF quarantine.
I wish I could go back and re-do this year. Don't get me wrong, it has been a great year, but my attitude has not always been what I wish it would have been.
It has been a tough year.
Adjusting to life with a child is hard, so is adjusting to life with CF. I'd like to think that this disease doesn't hold anything on us, has no power or control over us. But sadly, that just can't be true sometimes. That's also another post for another time.
This year I have protested and dug my heels in far too many times to count. More times than I'd like to admit. I have been short with Matt, impatient with J, and "frustrated" with life far too much. Sometimes I have had to rummage to find my joy. I should never have to rummage, it should be nestled at the top of the heap of life.
I have been bitter and have done a pretty good job hiding it. Even from myself at times!
I don't exactly know how to navigate this territory. These are uncharted waters for sure, and
I have felt "wronged" by life for the majority of this year and have struggled with how to handle deep disappointment. Disappointment in myself and the ways I have handled things, disappointment in my situation and in the reality of our "new normal". Disappointment that we can't live life the way we want it to look right now. And so, a new leaf.

I have resolved a few things for 2012. So that I can look back with satisfaction knowing I have done my best to make the best of some crummy circumstances. I know I have said before, on this very blog, that I don't make resolutions because I usually fail. Well, I do. I usually fail specific goals. These are fairly ambiguous. I know that's a big no-no in the goal-setting community, but I'm going for it! I have no goal-keeping reputation to keep intact!! :)

1. Be present at home. So many times I feel trapped in my own home, so I use various means of "escape" from these 4 walls. I can easily justify this in my mind, but it's something that has left me feeling fairly inadequate and discontent. This might mean blog-hopping while J plays contentedly nearby, or deciding to sit and stare at the TV when there is oh-so-much to be done. My goal is to view home differently. Not as a prison, but a haven. A safe place where Matt and J can feel safe and comfortable. Hey, and maybe I'll feel the same way why I'm at it! Why is that so hard for me?
2. Start my ministry at home. I have always found a little bit (okay, a lot) of my identity in who I am to other people. Now, this isn't necessarily always a bad thing. Sometimes you need to get outside yourself and help someone else or do something for someone else in order to see the big picture. For a season of my life (aka last winter) God stripped that role away from me and made me start looking elsewhere for my identity (ahem, Him). But, as soon as the 2010 Winter Lockdown was over, I went into hyper-drive.
I willingly take on the role of "ring-leader" for projects or events. And really, deep down, this all goes back to me feeling like I need something more than what I already have been given. But, shocker of all shockers, the opposite happens. Instead of me feeling invigorated, I find myself feeling exhausted and giving my boys my leftovers. I know this has to stop, and I need to focus. If you spread yourself too thin, soon you are ineffective at everything. Yes, I want to be a good friend and be there for people in some capacity, but I need to put my marriage and my kiddo first. I know I've been given the job of wife and mother for a reason and instead of trying to find worth outside of those roles, I'm going to start embracing what each of those roles can mean. Maybe someday I will use the word "flourishing!". Stay tuned.
3. Cheat the right things. I recently listened to a podcast (you can find it by clicking here, it's called "Choosing to Cheat") by Andy Stanley and was challenged. Really challenged. Listen to it, I'm working on finding out what needs to come last.
Well, there you go. My ambiguous "goals" for 2012! Oh yeah, and on a lighter note, Matt and I set a goal to not drink soda for a year. It won't be too hard for us since we're not big-time soda drinkers anyway, but like Matt said, "If Tim Tebow can do it, I can do it". Okay.
What about you? What are your goals for the new year??

Shameless.

No, I'm really not that shameless. I guess sometimes I don't have a filter and sometimes I can be just a little too real with people. But that's not what this is about. I'm posting a shameless plug.
A sweet friend, Nicole, and her wonderful husband Jason (nice name, right?) are trying to win a contest to get tickets for a conference that they want to attend. And from what I hear, it's not really just any ordinary conference. Jason is the former youth pastor at our former church (did you get that?) and he has one of the most genuine hearts for ministry that I've ever come in contact with. His wife Nicole shares the same heart and is so supportive of his goals and all God wants to do through their family.
So in order to get one more entry in her blog giveaway because I love them, I am posting this site and a plea from sweet Nicole.
VOTE HERE. VOTE HERE. VOTE HERE. VOTE HERE. 
It will take one nano-second! Promise. :) Thanks!
Happy Wednesday everyone.

It's Monday!

And I'm doing pretty great.
You wouldn't think so if you'd seen the amount of throw-up that I or hubby cleaned up this weekend. But, I have a baby who is finally feeling better from a stomach bug (or possibly vaccine side effect... now isn't that ironic?). He's eating, playing, talking, all the good stuff. Even just clapping and laughing out of the blue. Oh, I love him!
I've been spending some pretty intentional time in the Word lately which is like an instant healing balm to my chapped soul. :) Imagine that.
I'm currently going through the study "Knowing God by Name" by Mary A. Kassian. I love it. I'm going to challenge myself to memorize the 35 names of God that this study dives into. For those of you thinking I'm crazy by talking about the names of God, these are the Hebrew names of God that name certain parts of His character. This study divides them into 7 weeks of study: Names of Deity, Character, Power, Authority, Splendor, Intimacy, and Sufficiency. I'm currently in the week studying His names of Power. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so hopeful like I can conquer anything?? Today I read about El Oseh Phela, or God who works wonders. Tomorrow is Yahweh Rophey, or Lord Healer. Oh yes, I am right in the thick of the good stuff. Exactly what I need to be reminding myself of right now.
Also, I ran across a weekly thing that I used to do, and completely forgot. So, I'm passing it on to you and I'm going to pick this habit back up. Each day you read these verses and intentionally praise God for different things. It really works to get your mind focused on the right things. Here goes:
Day One: Celebrate God as Creator and thank Him for all He's created. (Isaiah 45:9, Colossians 1:16, Psalm 71:6-8)
Day Two: Honor God as my perfect, loving Father and thank Him that I am His beloved child. (Luke 11:13, Matthew 6:32, Colossians 3:17)
Day Three: Thank God for His never-ending love. The more I praise Him for His love, the more His love is released into my heart and life. (Romans 8:38-39, 1 John 4:10, Isaiah 49:15-16)
Day Four: Adore, honor, glorify, and thank Jesus for all He did on the cross (1 Peter 1:3-4, Acts 4:12, Colossians 2:13-15, Romans 5:8-9)
Day Five: Praise Him as the God of forgiveness to better understand and receive His forgiveness in my mind, my heart, and life. (1 John 1:9, Ephesians 1:7-8)
Day Six: Thank Him for the Holy Spirit pouring Himself into me. Thank the Holy Spirit for His power, strength, enablement, revelation and ability to resist temptation. (John 14:16, Romans 5:5, Acts 1:8)
Day Seven: Praise God for His Word, His great love letter to me, and for its direction and fulfillment. (Hebrews 4:12, Psalm 16:7-8)
I don't know where I picked that up, I just have it all written on index cards on my night stand. Just wanted to give you a resource that has helped me in the past and that I need to pick up again!
Also, I've been challenged by two things this week. They both pertain to Cystic Fibrosis, so if you think I talk about that too much, then you might want to skip these next few thoughts.
1. I've been blog-hopping lately, something I swore off early on in J's diagnosis. You really never know what you're going to get (and I have ended in tears in more than one situation). When I get to the bad blogs, I usually search for a reason why that person's story could never be J's. I look for other conditions, other issues that these children have/had that J doesn't deal with and I find comfort when I inevitably find it. How sick is that? These are lives, who yes, might suffer from other conditions, but they suffer and I should care. Not compare. I am working on using my time on these blogs as purposeful prayer time and learning more about CF and about how it affects families. I have met a few women through the CF blogging world and am continually encouraged by their faith. It really is true that God gives strength when you need it and I see it in these stories I've come across.
2. I have been following the blog of a sweet woman with CF. (So, I initially wrote "sweet young girl" but then realized she's only a year younger than I am. :) She is 26 and awaiting a 2nd lung transplant. She is probably the strongest person I've ever encountered (even if we've never met). She speaks about God's will fully understanding He may choose to take her home earlier than she wants. How challenging.
I love something that she said on her blog, "We don't fear bad news. It has no power over us."
Oh how I needed that. In conversations I've had in the recent past, I can see that I live in fear when it comes to CF. Jesus said, "In this life you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." And that includes CF. This disease can't hold power over us or make us live in fear. What kind of life would that be? Plus, I want J to grow up to be a positive, insightful, and purposeful man. So, I have to start living that way to show him how to do that. Ready, set, go! Here's to a great week.