Things I've Learned...

This has probably been the most trying and challenging 2 weeks of my life!

Not only is adjusting to life with a newborn a bit of a challenge, add to that the overwhelming news that your sweet newborn has Cystic Fibrosis. Not knowing entirely what this means, it's been a bit more than I feel I can bear. I know that God never gives us more than we can handle with His help, never. But, that doesn't mean that any of this has been easy by any means. I have felt His strength when I am open to it. The problem is, the past few days, I've been trying to do things on my own strength... guess how that's working out for me? When we first found out last Friday and were then in the hospital for another 4 days, it was easy to cling to God because that's all I could do to get through. He helped me see the positive and be optimistic. But when I get home and I'm on my own, I try to take things over on my own and I easily start to feel sorry for myself and want to just crawl in the corner.

A few of the things God is teaching me through this:

1. I am proud. I have a hard time asking for help. I've always known this about myself but have never felt like it was a problem. Now I see that my desire to be self-sufficient shows that my heart is not in the right place.

2. I've found my worth in the wrong things. Once again, I've always known this about myself, but haven't had to really face it or change anything about myself because of it. I've found my worth in my friendships, schedule, and all the things I can do with my time. I used to thrive on a busy, full schedule and people would always say they couldn't believe how much I did. I secretly always liked the thought that I was the one who was always "on the go" and thought for sure that I wouldn't let being a mom get in the way of that.

Just this morning I realized that I'm in a new phase, a new chapter that needs to look different than the way life used to look. I shouldn't be grieving the end of the last phase, but celebrating the new phase that God has led me to. I now am a wife and a mom. Yes, I'll still be able to continue my work with Hungry for Life, but being a mom has to come first, and part of my being a mom is making sure that J has the best care possible. Amazing to think that it's not all about me!?

3. I have a ways to go in how selfish I am! When we got the news that J has CF, we were also told that he needs to stay away from crowds and other kids through RSV season (end of April). Of course, the first thing I thought of was ME. How this was going to affect ME and feeling sorry for myself. When I heard about his treatments at first, my first thoughts were "Okay, let's get used to this new normal, let's make sure that J gets what he needs!" Those thoughts have now turned to, "Why me? Why do I have to feed him enzymes before he eats!? Why do I have to spend a half an hour doing chest compressions? Why do I have to think about a future full of hospital stays and visits!?" Wow, once again, wake up call that it's not all about me.

Now, I'm sure that all of this is compounded by a lack of sleep. I do not do well on little sleep and ever since our hospital stay, I've felt like I can't catch up. But today, I went for a long walk around the neighborhood with J and got some great vitamin D. Feeling better already.

Yes, we want to be a normal family and we want to treat J like any other child. But, right now, that's just going to look different for us.. and I'm trying to be okay with that. 

On the bright side, God has shown me some wonderful things:

1. This was no surprise to Him. He knows the beginning from the end and knows us so intimately, even sweet baby J. I can trust that He will take care of him even better than I can. I can also trust that He's going to give us the means and resources to take care of J the way we need to.

2. We have a great support community. If I told you how many e-mails, care packages, letters, cards, text messages, facebook posts, and phone calls we've gotten in the past 2 weeks, you wouldn't believe me. I feel so supported and loved and cared for. So, if you're reading this and you're one of the members of our wonderful support community, whether near or far, thank you so much. I wish I could send a personal text or e-mail to everyone who has reached out to us, but there is just not enough time in the day. I hope to eventually get to thank each of you individually.

3. And last but not least, this all has made me love Matt even more. I didn't think that was possible at all, especially after seeing him as a dad. But through all this, we have vowed to not let it become something that tears us apart, but rather helps us grow together even more and it has done that. We have been able to encourage each other, pray together, cry together, make each other laugh (because what else can you do!?), and just spend some great quality time together with our new little one. 

Okay so if you've gotten to the end of this, I either want to congratulate you or apologize to you. :) I just realized that most of this rambling would probably have been better to write in my own personal journal and not air out for everyone to read, but it's good to get it off my chest and feel like others can finally have a glimpse into my real heart!

I'm going to leave you with 3 verses that I keep coming back to over and over. I am reminded of a passage in the book Crazy Love where it talks about how we are commanded to trust God, commanded to praise God, and when we stress it shows a lack of both of those things on our part. So, I am choosing to trust and choosing to praise regardless of what is going on, and in case you've wondered, I'm still so in love with this little man! He's so perfect!!

Isaiah 40:28-29 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Philippians 4:4-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."