A New Leaf

Christmas was wonderful. I hope you had a great Christmas, focusing on the precious gift God gave us many years ago and basking in His goodness. We spent some serious quality time together as a family of 3 and with my family and my in-laws. Living near both sets of families is wonderful, but can be exhausting during the holidays. We fully embraced family time together, pictures to come someday. This whole living-with-a-borrowed-hard-drive thing has me waiting to work on pictures until I have a permanent solution.

I've spent the morning getting our end-of-year giving all set. Am I the only one who waits until the last day of the year to make sure that we've given what we want and need to? I've also been catching up on my favorite blogs and I'm just so in awe of how different life is for different people. But, that's an entry for another time.
I get reminiscent every year around this time like everyone else. We're all basking in the glory of Christmas, cleaning house, and making promises to be "better" and not repeat the follies of the previous year. At our house, we've hit the high of Christmas and Matt's still on break and we're enjoying time together, but January is looming. January in Utah gets ugly.
It's the thick of our little family's CF quarantine.
I wish I could go back and re-do this year. Don't get me wrong, it has been a great year, but my attitude has not always been what I wish it would have been.
It has been a tough year.
Adjusting to life with a child is hard, so is adjusting to life with CF. I'd like to think that this disease doesn't hold anything on us, has no power or control over us. But sadly, that just can't be true sometimes. That's also another post for another time.
This year I have protested and dug my heels in far too many times to count. More times than I'd like to admit. I have been short with Matt, impatient with J, and "frustrated" with life far too much. Sometimes I have had to rummage to find my joy. I should never have to rummage, it should be nestled at the top of the heap of life.
I have been bitter and have done a pretty good job hiding it. Even from myself at times!
I don't exactly know how to navigate this territory. These are uncharted waters for sure, and
I have felt "wronged" by life for the majority of this year and have struggled with how to handle deep disappointment. Disappointment in myself and the ways I have handled things, disappointment in my situation and in the reality of our "new normal". Disappointment that we can't live life the way we want it to look right now. And so, a new leaf.

I have resolved a few things for 2012. So that I can look back with satisfaction knowing I have done my best to make the best of some crummy circumstances. I know I have said before, on this very blog, that I don't make resolutions because I usually fail. Well, I do. I usually fail specific goals. These are fairly ambiguous. I know that's a big no-no in the goal-setting community, but I'm going for it! I have no goal-keeping reputation to keep intact!! :)

1. Be present at home. So many times I feel trapped in my own home, so I use various means of "escape" from these 4 walls. I can easily justify this in my mind, but it's something that has left me feeling fairly inadequate and discontent. This might mean blog-hopping while J plays contentedly nearby, or deciding to sit and stare at the TV when there is oh-so-much to be done. My goal is to view home differently. Not as a prison, but a haven. A safe place where Matt and J can feel safe and comfortable. Hey, and maybe I'll feel the same way why I'm at it! Why is that so hard for me?
2. Start my ministry at home. I have always found a little bit (okay, a lot) of my identity in who I am to other people. Now, this isn't necessarily always a bad thing. Sometimes you need to get outside yourself and help someone else or do something for someone else in order to see the big picture. For a season of my life (aka last winter) God stripped that role away from me and made me start looking elsewhere for my identity (ahem, Him). But, as soon as the 2010 Winter Lockdown was over, I went into hyper-drive.
I willingly take on the role of "ring-leader" for projects or events. And really, deep down, this all goes back to me feeling like I need something more than what I already have been given. But, shocker of all shockers, the opposite happens. Instead of me feeling invigorated, I find myself feeling exhausted and giving my boys my leftovers. I know this has to stop, and I need to focus. If you spread yourself too thin, soon you are ineffective at everything. Yes, I want to be a good friend and be there for people in some capacity, but I need to put my marriage and my kiddo first. I know I've been given the job of wife and mother for a reason and instead of trying to find worth outside of those roles, I'm going to start embracing what each of those roles can mean. Maybe someday I will use the word "flourishing!". Stay tuned.
3. Cheat the right things. I recently listened to a podcast (you can find it by clicking here, it's called "Choosing to Cheat") by Andy Stanley and was challenged. Really challenged. Listen to it, I'm working on finding out what needs to come last.
Well, there you go. My ambiguous "goals" for 2012! Oh yeah, and on a lighter note, Matt and I set a goal to not drink soda for a year. It won't be too hard for us since we're not big-time soda drinkers anyway, but like Matt said, "If Tim Tebow can do it, I can do it". Okay.
What about you? What are your goals for the new year??