Spring is in the air...

Okay, not really. It snowed (finally!) yesterday, but at just about the time I was feeling like I was okay without any snow for the rest of the year. :) I think I'm just trying to talk my way through this patch of gray.. Life has seemed a little "gray" lately for a few reasons. I've been feeling a little discouraged lately and can't really shake it. I'm really trying to dig myself out of this one, but sometimes it's harder than others. It seems like I am now a roller coaster, when I've always been pretty steady... so I don't fully know how to handle that. Doing my best to cling to the One who is peace, but sometimes it is a battle to do so.

J posted (yes, I just typed that... apparently mixing up words can happen while typing too)... not posted, tested positive  for C. Diff which is a nasty intestinal bug that can grow when you've been on oral antibiotics. Well, it can actually start growing a number of different ways, but in CF this is usually what kicks it off. J has been tested about 7 other times for C. Diff because of how common it is for people with CF to deal with it. Bad news? Once you've gotten it, you usually get it easier following times. What does that mean? It means lots of poop samples are in my future! The sweet lab lady at St. Mark's is going to know me by name soon enough. :)

Anyway, the week before last I was having a lot of anxiety. I only shared it with a few people, but really, I was feeling quite anxious about J. He was just seriously different. I called every doctor I could last Monday to tell them something was up and most of them just said, "watch him and call us if he spikes a fever". Actually, that's not true... our CF clinic listened and said they wanted me to watch him closely and stop the oral antibiotic he's been on to see if that helps (thinking maybe he was having some weird side effects to the abx). Anyway. His GI clinic finally called back on Tuesday and said they wanted to test for C. Diff. Of course I rolled my eyes "knowing" it would come back negative and we'd be back at square one. So, Thursday (of the week before last) when he called and said it was positive, I almost burst into tears I was so happy. I know that sounds like such the wrong reaction, but it felt good to know that I know my kid and I know when something is off! Needless to say, after just one dose of antibiotics he was already acting more like himself and as of last Friday, he was seriously just happy and squawking and playing like normal. I was so at ease. Then, Saturday night he spiked a 102* fever and was pretty fussy and unmanageable all day. I sure wish I knew how to differentiate between what is CF and what is average toddler. We took him to the pediatrician just to be sure it wasn't an infection. She said everything looks good, his nose looks a little congested, so it could be a sinus infection. Usually in CF, they'd throw him on an antibiotic about now (he has been coughing just a wee bit at night), but because of the C Diff they want to wait. I just want him to be happy and healthy all the time! I really feel like sometimes we can't catch a break and it's times like this when I really start to feel anxious and uneasy about pretty much everything. I've had a stomach ache that I just can't kick, and the weird part is, I know why it's there. It's nerves! I'm constantly praying for God to take it away, but I know that I take it back as soon as He intervenes.

On another note, he is finally walking!!! He took his first few steps a couple of weeks ago, but has been testing it more everyday. He hasn't crawled for a few days! He cracks us up. We've always thought that he was just waiting to walk until he could walk well. He has that personality, so it's fun to see that come true! He took about 5 steps one day, then the next day he walked from the fireplace, around the kitchen table, and to the fridge (about 60 steps!). Pretty hilarious. He's currently practicing walking backwards as I type.. If this is the case with his talking, one day he's going to say "cup" and then the next he'll say, "Mom, may I please have a cup of milk?". Haha. I sure hope those words come soon. Every now and then I think he says "ball" or "Scout" just without any consonants, so I can't tell if that's what he's saying. He quizzes us all day by holding up different toys until we tell him what it is, pretty hilarious! He also definitely communicates, but with squawks and grunts and pointing. We have our 18 month appointment on March 3rd and I know our pediatrician is going to want to"intervene" if he doesn't have any intelligible words by then. That's another reason for my anxiety, but we'll just cross each bridge as we get there I guess?

In other news, we got the piano tuned. I know, not that exciting. But, it's really a big deal and I'm so excited that when I play now, it doesn't sound like I'm recording the soundtrack for a spooky horror flick. I have the extreme privilege of flying to Nebraska in March to play for a conference where this lady is speaking. My friend, Nicole, invited me and another friend out to help with worship and it's going to be soooo wonderful. I really can't wait until we leave! I think a retreat is exactly what I need right now... physically, spiritually, emotionally, everything! And, a chance to get to serve. Oh, I am just giddy!! Of course I have even had anxiety over this because of leaving J when he seems a little "unstable".. my biggest fear is that for some reason we're going to get admitted and I would have to tell them I can't come after they've purchased my airplane ticket and everything. Ugh, I really need to get a grip. I'm pretty confident that won't happen and I'm going to have a great time at the retreat!!!

It seems that God knows exactly what we need and when we'll need it and will go to great lengths to ensure we get it (Yes, I've always known this, it just humbles me beyond description every time something like this happens). That happens frequently, so why don't I just rest in the knowledge that He loves me and loves J more than I ever could? His plans are better, higher, stronger, everything.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

Hope you had a great Valentine's Day. We enjoyed ordering in Macaroni Grill, driving to get Blizzards and laughing at some ridiculous jokes that my husband cracked. He was entirely too wonderful and got me a massage for V day (after agreeing to not get each other gifts of course), and a gift card for a movie night just the two of us. Looking forward to redeeming that one! He really is Mr. Wonderful and I can't imagine life without him. Mushy, yes. True, yes. His basketball team made it to state and I survived for four days without him (barely!). I was so glad to have him home yesterday!

Here's a few pictures of J lately, and one of me with my valentine that was taken when we chaperoned the high school winter banquet (Have I mentioned I don't miss high school?? At all?) AND a wonderful video of him walking a long ways for the first time, last Saturday. I just love this little nugget sooooo much!

My view on Valentine's Day!