Battling Resentment

Lately there have been quite a few big things that I've had to say "no" to because my job as a mom and wife just have to come first. Most recently, I had to decide not to go on a Hungry for Life retreat to Canada in January, something I have really been looking forward to. J's schedule is so demanding and he is a tough cookie to take care of right now, so asking Matt to take work off to watch him and asking my mom to be put entirely out of her comfort zone (2 treatments included) just didn't feel right. Worst of all, I felt like it was a lose-lose situation. If I go, I'd feel selfish and guilty for leaving such a large burden behind... but if I don't go, I'll feel resentment towards Jason. This is the third trip I've had to say "no" to for similar reasons. Yesterday I really felt stuck between those two words. Selfishness and resentment. Like those were my only two options. I threw a really awesome pity party, sorry i forgot to send out the invitations! I went to bed begging God to change my heart. It is not fun to feel burdened.
I woke up and looked up the definition for resentment. It means bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. And let's face it, it's not my son treating me unfairly, so my resentment can't rest on his shoulders. He's just as out of control in this situation as I am. But, I realized that if I'm feeling resentful, I'm actually showing ingratitude to God. I'm telling Him my definition of "good" is far better than His. He has used these situations where I've had to say "no" to truly mature me and make me grow up. I have learned that we don't always get what we want (even when we truly believe we deserve it, maybe even moreso in those situations), and sometimes we'll see the fruit of that right away, but sometimes it will take time for that fruit to be revealed. My job as mom has really made me sacrifice some things that I never thought I'd be asked to sacrifice, but in the end it is all working together for my good. So, instead of feeling resentment, here are a few things I'm thankful for:
- Jason's ability to say "mama". It melts my heart.
- Our home and means to feed our family
- The fact that I can stay home to care for J
- Having family so close that they can know J as he grows up
- The mountains and how beautiful they look blanketed with snow
- A closer-than-a-brother group of friends to "do life" with
- Yogurt covered raisins. Just sayin'.

My prayer is that I'll learn to quickly replace feelings of resentment and bitterness with gratitude and joy. Such a process!